Some poems I've written

Bebi · Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 9:46 am Post subject: Some poems I've written

These poems are ones that I'd written about 10 years ago. I've been meaning to post them before now, but when my laptop died they got stuck on the hard drive, and I've only just managed to salvage the information from it. I basically took a random song title and wrote the poems from there.

JUDY IN DISGUISE (WITH GLASSES)

One day, by a complete accident
This bloke gave his wife green jelly after lunch
She promptly killed him in their apartment
And then realised she must go on the run

I suppose that I should explain this story
Of the husband murdered around midday
Well the truth is really quite gory
Of the terror long ago one May

This murdress, well she was called Jude
And when she was tiny her well meaning mother
Took her to a party, it was awfully good
Until she ran into a spot of bother

Now at this party she had a good time
Until she heard a noise deep in her belly
'If I have a snack' she thought 'I'll be just fine
Ooh, that looks a lovely big green jelly'

To cut it short, the jelly got scared
And attacked little Judy, thought it a doddle
The result of this was that the poor girl fared
A lifelong fear of green things that wobbled

Judy went into disguise, with glasses
She looked just like an OAP
She managed to forge some Bus Passes
Even started serving afternoon tea!

This senseless killing had the police at a loss
With the husband dead with his head on the table
With the jelly all over like some damp, shiny moss
To work this one out they really weren't able

They went on the lookout for his beautiful wife
And put out a description of a fair headed girl
They charged her with murder, with taking a life
But they did not know she now had grey curls

Judy thought that she was so clever
To be disguised so well as a little old lady
She decided that like this they never would find her
So she was living quite nicely as a shy OAP

But alas about her past one day she did slip
It was while she was chatting to a handsome young man
As soon as the words had gone over her lips
She turned tail and ran just as fast as a lamb

The young man was really the Inspectors son
And he went straight to his daddy up at the station
As soon as his old man found he was not making fun
He swore to get to the bottom of this great deception

He sent out his men to all the 'Gerry' homes
And told them to raid every granny flat
He said to grill them all on the phones
For any awkward questions asked he'd take the flak

They got down to two through elimination
Our own Jude and little Miss Peckton
And decided to bring them both to the station
Once they were there they were asked lots of questions

The result of it was they found Judy guilty
And before she knew it she was banged up
But they didn't show her an ounce of pity
Yep, she was finally right out of luck!

Written by Bev
01/11/97
Title from John Fred And The Playboy Band

The above poem was partly inspired by the following one. This was written by my friend Tracey.

Bebi · Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 9:47 am Post subject:

LOVEBIRDS

Two little lovebirds
Sitting on a wall
One named Peter
One named Paul

Tweet tweet
Said Pete
Shut up fool
Said Paul

They went for a fly
For something to do
And way up in the sky
Paul had a poo

Pete got a bit pipped
And said 'come down Paul'
But Paul sadly slipped
And fell off the wall

One day they had a talk
In the fine month of May
Suddenly Pete gave a squawk
Paul said 'I thought you knew I was gay'

'Do you know' Pete laughed
'The thought had never occurred
But to touch up my arse
Now that really is absurd'

Paul said 'come on Pete
You're the one that I love
Come fly away with me
And be my turtle dove'

'Not likely' said Pete
'I couldn't live with you
Not with your smelly feet
I'll never say "I do"'

Now Paul got upset
He really loved Pete
He started to fret
'For you I'll even wash my feet'

Peter was fraught
'Paul I love you too
But really you ought
To think this thing through'

'Now here is a list
Of things you must do
I really do insist
If I'm to live with you

'Right then' said Peter
'You must pick up your clothes
And read the meter
But don't pick your nose!

Put the rubbish out
Do the washing up
And without a doubt
In bed tuck me up'

Paul was stunned
'I'll do all of those
But please, please, Hon
Let me pick my nose'

'Let you pick your nose?!
Can't you use a hanky?
Oh dearie me it shows
You really are manky'

'Oh Peter I beg you
Just this one little thing
Dear Peter I love you
You won't see anything disgusting'

But Pete was insistent
'I know it's a shame
Until you are different
I can't see you again'

In the little birdies' goodbye kiss
They wiped the tears from their eyes
The moral of this story is.......
COMPROMISE!!!!

Written by Bev
29/10/97
Title from Dodgy
_________________
It is those who are perfectly sane who are driven the maddest by an insane world...

There is method behind my madness

Bebi · Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 9:48 am Post subject:

LOCKED OUT

Harry and Sally lived in the city
They had a tiny little flat on the second floor
Listen to this tale 'cos it really is a pity
The day they could not open their front door

They'd gone out to look for a new car
They'd looked and looked and looked
They'd stayed near and they'd strayed far
They'd looked at MOT's and log-books

They'd looked at Astras and Citroen Xantias
They'd looked at Land Rover Four-by-fours
They'd looked at Fiestas and Opel Mantas
They'd looked at Minis and many more

As you guessed their search wasn't fruitful
They failed to find their nice new motor
It was a good job they were both youthful
'Cos it would've been too much for her mother

Tired and weary they set off back home
Trudging their feet and hanging their heads
Sally got fed up with Harry's moans
All she wanted was her nice warm bed

The rain was falling, it was so wet
The streets were slippery and shiny
Sally was really starting to fret
'Cos Harry was really getting whiney

Then all of a sudden it started to snow
Sally felt this was pushing it too far
She honestly had had enough you know
All they ever wanted was their own car

She wanted one to make their life comfortable
To carry the shopping and go down the coast
He wanted one like a flashy convertible
And so to all his mates he could boast

They finally arrived at the big block of flats
And to their horror they were locked out
Outside with all the beetles and rats
Sally was crying and Harry did shout

The man next door peeped round the wall
But didn't help the two hapless youngsters
He said to them that they were messing up the hall
And told them they looked like the Munsters

This is this and well that was that
Sally had had it as far as she could take
She called him an unhelpful twat
And told him to drown in a lake

Oh dear, now we seem to find
This neighbour was in some kind of gang
He really was quite out of his mind
On drink and drugs and bared his fangs

He went inside and emerged with a gun
And promptly shot poor Harry in the head
And Sally stood there some time stunned
The bloke had gone when she realised Harry was dead

The moral of this story is
When you go out to look for some wheels
Don't forget your front door keys
Or you too could hear a church bell peal

And be extra specially nice to your neighbours
More so if they're psychopaths
Remember to do them lots of favours
And try not to incur their wrath!
_________________
It is those who are perfectly sane who are driven the maddest by an insane world...

There is method behind my madness

Bebi · Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 9:49 am Post subject:

TITANIC DAYS

Once upon a time there was this bloke
He had an idea to build a ship
He hammered and banged and his thumb he smote
So he threw his hammer in the nearest tip

This bloke, who had a name, it was Colin
Made this ship so big it was massive
It was so huge that one day he did fall in
He looked up then, and all he saw were asses

He scratched his head, where did they come from?
'Have I hit my head? Am I going round the twist?'
He just lay there wondering, gazing at those bums
Staring at them through a light white mist

Now he didn't realise this, but he'd got quite famous
And all the village had come round to see
This gigantic ship, built by Colin Mersus
They stared open-mouthed, it was higher than a tree!

'What will you call it?' 'When will it sail?'
'Who's going to steer it?' 'My, isn't it big!'
Colin went and stood by the big pail
'I shall call her Titanic' and danced a small jig

Now I have got the making done at last
I shall tell you of her first outing
The trumpets on the dockside gave a great blast
All the people stood on the side shouting

The ship hadn't got very far at all
When they ran onto a spot of trouble
They ran into some weather known as a squall
And Colin shouted 'Abandon ship at the double!'

Everyone left, but not our poor Colin
No he stayed with his beloved boat
He grabbed the before mentioned pail and started bailing
It was a lovely ship when it stayed afloat

The end result was that the ship completely sank
Colin was distraught, he loved that big vessel
He realised he had no one but himself to thank
Build another one? Nah, not worth the hassle!

By Bev
06/11/97

Title From Kirsty MacColl

_________________
It is those who are perfectly sane who are driven the maddest by an insane world...

There is method behind my madness